I pity tha fool

Anyone who grew up in the vicinity of the 1980's know who Mr. T is. I'll confess that I personally have a weird obsession with him. It all started with one of my favorite T.V. shows in the 80's The A TEAM. This little gem of comedic and action filled television shaped my childhood. Coupled with another show known as Mcgyver, these shows made a distinct impression on my youth. I would never again look at life the same way. Constantly wanting to blow shit up or build a hanglider out of my parents folding lawn furniture. Duct tape, baking soda, and water would take front stage in every adventure my brother and I wold get into. To this day I have a list of favorite vehicles I will one day own and the A-Team van is at the top of my list. That GMC stabbin' cabin is the hottest thing hitting pavement, always jumping canals and flipping J-turns like it was the General Lee I mean bad ass. I digress.
Mr T. was the man in the 80's, his scary demeanor, Trademark Mohawk and Gold Chains. He had a BAD ATTITUDE. I was made fun of often as a kid pretending to be him. "I pitty tha fool". Always preceding any statement I had to say, I pity tha fool who brings tha mail. I pity tha fool who cleans my room. Just silliness. Know wonder I got beat up. A white kid from the suburbs acting like a grown man, not to mention a black, former bouncer with a mohawk.When Rocky III came out I thought I had died and gone to heaven. I was already a Rocky fan but now that he was fighting the "T" I was astounded. Although I couldn't understand how T would lose, he was way better. "Hey Boy" or "I'm gonna bust you up" were my new tag-lines, my mother hated me. Imagine your 4-5 yr. old telling you, "Hey Boy, I'm gonna bust you up", It has to be disarming. I have watched that movie nearly 1000 times. Every time I still think "Clubber" Lang is going to win.
Anyways, Mr. T fell of the map for some time not making movies or TV. All of us fans were in the dark as rumors swirled around him being dead or worse, retired. Not until the other night did he find his way back into my home. Who could have predicted it would happen the way it did. It was late, real late. I had just finished watching a movie and an infomercial was playing while I got ready to turn in for the night. When a familiar voice shook me to my soul. I knew it so well it could have been my own grandmother.It was Mr. T, he was selling a little treasure called The Flavor Wave Turbo.Well, I got sucked in. I watched the whole thing baffled by what I was watching.I couldn't believe it, Mr T. on an infomercial. The once great BA Baracus selling cookware on late night TV? Times are tough in these streets. I assured myself and I'm sure Flavor Wave Turbo is a great company to work for or he wouldn't join just any team. I was now torn between pitty and overwhelmed with excitement to see my old friend back in action. Neither dead nor retired. This isn't an ad for the Flavor Wave Turbo but I think the product looks fantastic. From the construction, the name and the execution of the presentation... Flawless. I don't know if it was the food, the suggestive marketing, or the creative implementation of my childhood hero but I bought 3 that night. One to keep and 2 to give away as gifts, if I don't use them first cooking for a whole group of people. Nostalgia is a powerful marketing tool. I am eagerly awaiting delivery. I also came away with several new tag-lines like: My taste buds is going wild, or I pity tha fool who tries to get this down, , or Set it to cook and you off the hook. I feel sorry for those folks out grilling in the chilly weather. Thanks again Mr. T.

The Beginning

It was straight outta '96 when it all began. After packing up the Subaru with 5 dudes and all their snow gear we headed out on the road for what was to be a 2 day trip to Jackson Hole and Grand Targhee. After stopping in Idaho for some snacks, lotto tickets and lewd air fresheners we were rolling. It snowed hard the whole drive making for some super sketchy conditions in the flats before attempting to hit the pass. We kept watching the 4-runner in front of us disappear then suddenly reappear 5-10 ft closer to us. Which was un-nerving to say the least because we could only drive 25 and they were only 25-30 ft away. After pulling off to the side of the road for a refreshing urine break in White Out conditions we powered on to our Super 8 destination in Jackson Hole.

That night we took to the hot tub for what was to be designated forever as the Tough As Nails contest. It started as hopping out of the tub and rolling in the 3 ft snow drift and hopping back in. Many variations ensued, the cornice drop, belly flops off the tool shed, the worm. The winner won by do a belly flop off the fence into a 6 ft snow drift and doing the worm. Although that combination wasn't the only winning factor. After I was dubbed the hands down winner the reason came out, although it was evident to everyone but myself. worm had taken place through a trough of "yellow snow" left by some of the other participants. Having been donned as the king of the Tough As Nails contest was a treat but honestly I assure you, I had no idea that those guys peed there or I wouldn't have volunteered to guinea pig that one so easily. Although it is a crown I wear proudly to this day.

The following day we headed to Targhee for the first of two days spent here after being snowed in for Monday as well. I digress. It was blistering cold and dumping upon arrival. We made a few laps and were headed to the upper mountain to find a wind lip we had heard so much about. While being herded like cattle through the lines at the lift I was partnered up with a skier to ride the lift. This "Hippy Goober" I thought, was wearing tight acid-washed denim, an argyle turtle neck (it could have been a dickie, I can't confirm or deny it but for the sake of the story I am giving it the benefit of being a turtle) and a super flashy and thick Molehair sweater, hat and goggles. It turns out that this guy is a player. It was a cold lift ride for sure I'll admit that. This guy, part way up the lift whips off his boots and starts massaging his feet one at a time, breaking down the symptoms and properties affiliated with frostbite and how to avoid it. Due to the weather the lift kept stopping and was creeping ultra slow because of the wind.With no visibility further than 5 ft upper mountain I could only see my "goober" co-pilot going up the lift and nothing else. I was looking for anything else to watch or someone to make eye contact with in hopes of getting some verification on this little adventure. After working over his "dogs" for what seemed like an eternity he turned to me and offered up his services on my feet. Things flashed in my head and two scenarios came to thought 1. I pull out my feet and let his gentle touch work the onset of frostbite out of my toes... Nobody will know or see (except me of course). 2. Politely decline his offer and accept a rain check for his services on a later date. I was 17 at the time and I was quite sure that what this old hippy was offering me could somehow take the shape of Pedophilia. Well I opted for #2 although I sometimes wish I would have taken #1 just so I could know what it was like to experience that, not to mention claim that story that night at the Tough As Nails contest that was to ensue again that night with no avail. Nobody could beat the urine worm from 10 ft, it couldn't be done. Thankfully the lift shack crept out of the fog like a pinnacle of hope in the night sky.I thanked Captain Frostbite for his generous offer and his social commentary on politics and fashion and bid him farewell in hopes of experiencing a lift ride with him again in the future. That ride has yet to come to pass but I am always hoping. I passed this little adventure along to my comrades and the name Captain Frostbite just stuck. I initially gave the name to my compadre from the lift ride but it was quickly laid back upon me which I graciously accepted. So from this one great trip I came away with the crown from the Tough As Nails contest and a new title, Captain Frostbite, I wear it proudly.